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Man to Man



One of the strange downsides of our culture's current fascination with "diversity" is that, instead of actually making us feel more connected, we are not-so-subtly encouraged to identify with our subgroups and to think of everyone else as outsiders.

In my practice, I work mostly with men, and mostly with gay men. I treat every guy as an individual and try to get the best sense and feel for his life that I can. If a man is straight and married, with a wife and children, that gives a shape to his life that differs in a lot of important ways from a single gay man who is having issues with his boyfriend.

But they are both men.

For a host of reasons, they may think they have little in common, but I don't. Plus, I like straight men: I was raised by one, have a great group of straight brothers, and my oldest friend is straight, etc. These are regular guys, the standard model.

Too many gay men get signals from gay culture that their sexual orientation almost makes them another gender. A lot of guys who grow up and realize that their erotic nature draws them to men have conflicts with their fathers and with the expectations facing them; they can develop an attitude about straight guys.

It's a defensive stance, understandable, and maybe temporarily necessary, but not a good idea in the long run. Because it robs homosexual men of both their share in the male heritage and can slow up or even derail their progress in maturing into the men they are meant to be.

We all share some very big basics in common, as part of the great fraternity of men. Archetypal stuff. More on that later.

But for now, my own take is that the way therapy should be is the way life should be: whether gay, straight, or whatever... man to man.

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